You're the blood in my veins, You're the fire burning deep inside.

I'm back at Gardner Webb, gearing up for gratuitous amounts of snow and the beginning of Spring semester 2011. Yay! Boy, am I glad to be back! Tonight was a night of just hanging out and reuniting with some of my beloved friends. 


I'm ready to get back in the swing of things around here. Ready to actually be doing something instead of just wandering aimlessly through life. That being said...there's a lot of things I missed out on over the break. I forgot to reflect. I mean, I tried, but I just came up short. I really wanted to think extensively about the mistakes I let define me last semester, and to correct them, in hopes of becoming closer to being the man that God wants me to be. 


I am terrible with commitment. I struggle a lot with staying dedicated to things, especially things that involve promises I've made or things I've mindlessly busied myself with. This break, I was supposed to transfer a lot of VHS tapes to DVD for Sonja, a friend of ours. Most of them were of Jennifer. Some backstory: I knew Jennifer for most of my life. Last year, due to some complications, she passed away. It was terrible. I don't think I've been the same person since. There's something missing in me, a little bit of the joy that used to define me. Nowadays, I cover that joy up with fake happiness. And I am happy, really, but I just can't shake the grief. I miss her so much. 


But these videos are important to Sonja. She wants to preserve them on DVD. I started watching them and transferring them over, and I just couldn't finish. I got so angry, so upset. I lashed out at my parents for no reason and just stayed pretty yucky for the rest of the night. I couldn't keep my commitment because of a grief that I let define me. That's a problem. 


Constantly, I see it in my relationships. It's hard for me to talk to girls I used to date. Not because anything terrible happened (most of the time), but because I'm afraid of the awkwardness. The awkwardness that comes in friendly chats with no real meaning or depth because I'm afraid to open up. Maybe I'm afraid to open up to not just them, but to the world. I can't commit because I'm afraid they'll all see what's inside. And that's a scary position to be in. 


My relationship with God, I think, is the hardest hit by my noncommittal personality. What I fear the most is stripping myself bare of all my worries, all my struggles, all my grief before one who knows the words I say, the thoughts I think before they even happen. It's irrational, but "just this once" I think. "It's too painful to be honest," I say. The truth is that I just want an excuse to hold onto the bitterness in my heart. Because somehow, I think, somehow it will set me free. 


All of these areas are stupid. I have no excuses to not commit. It's something that in my now 20 years of life, I should've have learned to deal with. I want to count myself among men of integrity, when all I am is a fake.


So pray for me as I make it a PRIORITY to spill my guts and let others in. To be real and be honest and pour all of my heart, life, and will into the promises I make, relationships (be they platonic or romantic) I find myself in, and the Kingdom that gives Life. May my relationship with Jesus be paramount, and my heart be vulnerable. 


The only thing that hurts worse that exposing the truth is parading a lie. And I refuse to let statistics define me. 


What defines me? Is it Christ? I want to be honest and tell you I'm working on figuring that out.