Ain't it a shame that they won't remember all of this...

Happy 2011!
I hate resolutions.


Mark Twain said, "New Year's Day - Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." 


And that's all they are. Good intentions. This past year has magnified my imperfections. The lens that I previously used to judge others has found a mirror, and the searing pain of it has made me into someone else.


I love the person I am becoming, and I hate him, too. He's becoming more vulnerable, relinquishing his hold on his secrets and crying out to God for some kind of way home. The only problem is that I'm fighting him. Fighting him to the death. If he represents the new man, I feel caught in between the old and the new. I'm just asking God why. And, as of yet, there's no answer. 


I want my life to be something beautiful, something vulnerable, and something that shows the love of God with no man made barriers around it. I don't want my imperfections to remain hidden so that others will think I'm a good person. I really could care less about how "good" I am. 


I am for these ideas. I'm all for the lofty little concepts that make spirituality easy and accessible, but when I try to translate those into my life, into practical usage, I'm left with an icy heart and a stony gaze. Stuck miles away from where I want to be, but so close to the light. I'd hope by now that my chest cavity is filled with water, and the glacier that stopped beating long ago is replaced with a burning passion  for God and his Gospel. 


I fear that if I make a resolution to become a better man, I've missed the point of Christ's love entirely. The point is that I won't ever measure up. The point is that by grace I have been saved, through faith in the one who melts the glaciers and burns down the forests that I've set in his way. I am here for surrender. 


So I won't be paving hell with any resolutions this year.
the only one I could think of just doesn't quite capture the love that sustains me.
But one day, by clinging tightly to that truth, the truth that saves, I won't feel like the man stuck in between the new and the old. But even if I do, It'll be alright. 
Cause he's got the whole world in his hands.


Happy 2011. 
May the grace of God be with you always.