Dear God,
Why don't I slow down?
Meditate on your peace and lovingkindness.
I pray that love is more than just an abstract word to me.
That it's not what I use to feel all warm and fuzzy inside,
Or something that I flippantly say to express the inexpressible things that make the world keep spinning.
I pray that you mold my life to be about people. About using every bit of the compassion you've put inside this aching chest to pour out over the needy, the destitute.
I believe Your Word. I believe it with every fiber of my being. And while that's not a popular stance here in the academic world, while it's much more attractive to only believe the parts of the Bible that I like, and subscribe to the image of God that I like, and rationalize it with endless theological discourses.
God, I want to grow to appreciate You for you. In your love, in your anger, in your grace, and in your wrath. Don't let me forget that my emotions cannot be made to contain the unbending truth of who you are. My whims cannot pick the attributes that define such an amazing, larger than life Savior. May I cling to You with everything that I am, and not let words like liberal or conservative, Christian or Muslim, pacifist or just war activist...(or backwoods redneck, for that matter.) You have given me my everything...bend my will to yours. Let my preconceptions die in the face of a furious passion that words can't adequately capture. If this world is a stage, let me be praying for its salvation in the audience, lest I be tempted to join the parade of the desperate and the loneliest.
Holy God, transform us to look more like you. Don't let me cripple myself under the weight of my own arrogance, or let my good deeds get the better of me. Don't let academics choke my faith, and don't let the opinions of others shape what I am passionate about. Please, God...please take hold of my trembling hands. To be perfectly honest, I am scared to death. Once again, you wrecked my life. You took everything I once held sacred and showed it to me from a different angle. You told me in a loud voice that I could no longer be passive, no longer deal in the abstracts because they make me feel good and smart, or bother keeping a record of all the good things I've done because they cannot save me. Yahweh, If I do good, let me do good because you are the only good thing in me. Shatter my pride like you once shattered my tibia and fibula. Like broken bones, let me remember the pain of my arrogance and let it hurt every time I take a step on a rainy day. Take from me all I took from you, and may I never forget that you are the Giver.
God, I'm tired of my secrets. If they're worth hiding, then its not worth living. So let me go in faith and be transparent, exposed to the light because ugly lust can't survive but in the dark. Refine my heart and let me live for you. Don't let me cling to what I know kills me.
Anger
Pride
Lust
Violence
Impatience
Laziness
God, tame this bonfire that rests behind my teeth. Rip it out and replace it with Your passionate words of love. Hopelessness pervades me, but remind me that I need to rediscover my first love if I'm ever gonna discover the compassion You have for your Bride. I'm fumbling, and it's humbling to be in Your presence. Let me do that more often. Consume me, great redeemeer. God, free me from my self obsession so that I may serve you without shame.
I have uncloaked my face to the light.
Adonai, don't ever let me look back.
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