Build Your Kingdom As Mine Crumbles

"Build Your kingdom as mine crumbles."


It's a song lyric from Over the Ocean, this folksy rock band that I can't stop playing. It's words like that that cut me. Deep.


I've been living for so long in pursuit of myself. Consistently, I fall into the trap of assuming that, since I'm doing something for God, I am in some way good. That is the most enormous, destructive lie that I could ever tell myself.


There is nothing good in me. There is nothing good in me. There is nothing good in me. There is nothing good in me. There is nothing good in me but Christ.


And that's it.
But I can't seem to figure that out.
Always...people annoy me with their pride and then I think it's okay to turn around and judge them for their arrogance, totally ignoring the seeds of arrogance surfacing in my own life. If I am hurt, it's automatically someone else's fault.


My heart is not pure, I am riddled with self delusion and an overwhelming tendency to congratulate myself on a job "well done."


God, make me small.
I want  need your grace in my life to act as a needle to shut down my inflated head.
Humility has become an abstract word, much like love, in my life.
One that I strive for but run right past because of foggy ambiguity. 
What does it mean?
Oh, Jesus, what can you teach me about how to humble, about how to be pure? 
Like a child. Like a child. That's what you want.
My heart is willing, Adonai. I want to be pure, I want my actions reflect the Light that fills my lungs. 
I want to be good.
I want to be good. 
Make me small, sweet Jesus. 
I don't want to live in pursuit of myself anymore. 
Not unconsciously, not in my awareness.
I am ridiculously and hopelessly lost and tangled up.
My heart withers without you. 
God, build Your kingdom. Knock mine down with a wrecking ball.
Fill me with Your spirit and help me forget myself. 
Amen.